I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
