The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
