I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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