just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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