At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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