I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
