So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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