You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
