She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
I did not marry a roomba.
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