hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
