Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
