I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
