i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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