people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
should my penis look like a turkey
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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