Your face is a jimmy john
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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