I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Im part way to drunk.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
