i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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