She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
