Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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