That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
