If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
