Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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