it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Me too!
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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