I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
