sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
