I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
