Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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