he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize