do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
