I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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