YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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