I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
