she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize