I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
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