I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
