I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
