Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
