Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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