I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
