Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize