Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
