My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
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