I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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