I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
