I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
