Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
