my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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