Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
