i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
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