Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
