That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
