that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
