I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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