I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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