K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
