i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
