My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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