So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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