i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
