My nipple is on Facebook.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
